Food for Thought

Recently I have been hearing the needs of some developing countries. Yes I know there is need here too in our developed country, but being in a developing country just has a different layer to it. In our country we do have financial aids to help if the need ever did arise. We do have people in our country who have a poverty mentality, but that seems more prevalent in a developing country. What I mean by a poverty mentality is that a person thinks in such a limited way that they are really hurting their chance to improve their situation.

But the ones that truly break my heart are the kids who do not have a choice. God has made them so they need to be dependent on adults to supply their basic needs. I watch my daughter and see how she expects food to be there simply because she knows me enough I will feed her. She doesn’t worry about the lack of finances and waiting for the next cheque to come in before going grocery shopping. She just relies on me to take of care of it. And this is how it should be.

But there are far too many children who have been neglected, abandoned and orphaned who do not have that adult to supply their needs. And not only their physical needs, but their emotional and spiritual as well.

When I see how these little ones are hurt in such a way it makes me appreciate my situation and want to help them all the more. You see as an adult I am supposed to be concerned about where the food is going to come from (or at least the money that will buy it). I am motivated to get up every morning to work so I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, running water, electricity and heat. Those are just the essentials and I know I take care of way more than just the essentials. However these little ones who have to fend for themselves or have an institution or structure to provide it for them, it just creates traits in a child that they should not have.  At the very least they are missing their childhood, and at the very most they are in survival mode with many other issues in between.

The institutions and structures who are sincerely trying to help these kids and eventually get them into a proper healthy family structure are definitely ones I support. Perhaps these are not the best for the kids, but at least something is being done. And that is why it breaks my heart all the more when these institutions who are trying to help these kids also experience many financial constraints, spiritual constraints and emotional constraints…many who sometimes do not see any hope of change in the near future (or distant future).

For the most part I do not have to worry about where the next cheque is coming from. They are lined up. I have opportunities here that others in developing countries may never see. I do not have certain obstacles that others have to continually face on a regular basis. And seeing that God has blessed me in a different way definitely does not want me to sit idly by. I desire to continually ask where God can use me. Be it here or wherever He has in mind. He obviously placed each and every one of us here for a reason.

Ideal Family

I have heard that folks live longer in a HAPPY marriage (guess they die sooner if they are not in one from being so miserable), however I think that if I don’t live longer on earth than I get to go to Heaven sooner so that’s a blessing really. I do realize that we are on this earth however long God decides.

It would be nice to have a spouse to chat with and do things with and be compatible with. However for some reason God has not deemed that yet. I guess when I really felt the blessing/curse of being single is when I started the process of adopting as a single. I met some folks whose idealism of a family was not meshing with what I was pursuing and they were more than willing to express that opinion with me.

Now to be clear I’m not one of those women who decided at such and such an age if I am not married I am going to adopt so that way I can still have kids. Adoption was something placed upon my heart many years ago that I was going to pursue whether single or married (needed to find the right partner if I was going to do it married).

The big thing I heard was that I was not married and the child would not have a father and therefore I should not adopt. Ok I understand where they were coming from. I agree that the best situation for a child is a STABLE mother and STABLE father. Agreed. However, I also do believe that ONE STABLE parent is better than two unstable parents, one unstable parent, or no parent at all. Now that I have my daughter I have discussed with my sister how I would rather have no male influence in her life than a negative one. Thankfully she has a wonderful Grandpa, fantastic uncles and strong men in our church who can give her the positive male influence she needs – obviously not to the degree of have a STABLE, POSITIVE influence from a father, but it is something. I do realize my daughter does need strong male role models in her life so she can get a clear picture of what to look for in a mate.

Which as of lately I have found the opinion of only two parent families being the only way to go interesting. What about the single parent who lost their spouse due to a death? The one who left because of some kind of abuse was happening? Or perhaps their spouse just left the marriage because they wanted a new life? What then, do we condemn these single parents?

With being told this, I felt like because I was a single parent God could not use me in a certain way. I have realized this is simply not true. My singleness is not a disability or a hindrance. Sure there are things that I struggle with that married people may not, but I also do know that married people struggle with things that I simply do not have to worry about.

It is hard doing it by myself, but I’ve heard it’s hard even with two parents. A married couple need to unify when it comes to raising and disciplining their children. I can just do it with how I think is best (obviously I pray about it and seek counsel, but in the end I can do what I think is best).  So perhaps that is a struggle they may have more than I. I have the struggle of not having someone step up and help and having the financial burden fall solely on my shoulders.

As parents we all need help and support of others. None of us can go about it alone. But in doing so, I think we should not condemn any families for not being “ideal” as they are already well aware.  

Hope

I’ve noticed how much the word hope is used. I’m not sure if there are more uses of it or perhaps I’m just paying attention to it more. There are the tv shows and movies with the word Hope in them. I’ve also noticed organizations with the word hope in them. Why is that?

I’ve even used it myself.

I looked up the definition of Hope. For the most part it means wanting something to happen to a great degree. Obviously in most cases we want something good to happen. When I used it I meant it in regards to love and opportunity.

I’m sure we have all seen what hopeless is like. Just the opposite - nothing to look forward to. I’ve been there at times in my life, and I have not enjoyed it, nor do I want to go back there. I like it better when I have hope and facing the likelihood that things will happen. We don’t want to give people that; we want to give them more. Hope as in a future, possibilities, potential, life.

Proverbs 13:12 says it best – “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”

I went on a mission’s trip to Africa a year and a half ago. The one thing I did notice amongst the people was that they had no hope. They had a survival mindset in that they would only worry and live for today. Now while some of that may be advisable, the way it is done there is detrimental. Detrimental by decisions made today hurt them for tomorrow or in the future. The focus was on getting only enough food today (somehow) that opportunities were missed on how to keep on getting food going forward.

However, when some of the ladies were educated and taught to think differently, more business savvy, they suddenly were doing things differently and had different outcomes. The end result was also hope. I also noticed that the kids seemed to have high hopes of what they could be when they grow up; interesting. I suppose their hopes had not been squashed by realities of adulthood.

But there is more than hope on this earth. We need hope that things will be better than what is here. Hope that we were created for so much more than what we hear in society, that we have a purpose and a reason for being here.

Someone took our punishment for what was rightly ours to take and in the end has given us hope.

Hope.

Wanted

I have been reading some heart wrenching stories about abortion and how the baby ended up living, however medical personnel would not attend to help this baby live because the baby was simply was not wanted. Wow how sad. 

I remember when Prince William and Kate were pregnant and how the media referred to this as the royal baby. My sister made the comment, “Interesting when the baby is wanted it is referred as a baby, when they are not then it is referred to as a fetus.” Yikes! She does have a point though.

However, it really does not stop there.

Many babies who were brought full-term have been left abandoned in all countries around the world. I went on a Mission’s trip where we searched a dump site where babies were left abandoned to die there. The organization I went with is rescuing these babies and giving them an opportunity to live. But it does not just happen in developing nations, it even happens in developed nations.

Then I realize how our world views human life. Some seem so disposable. Others are so portrayed. It seems to depend on how much a person contributes. The bigger the name the more we hear about that person after they have passed.

Now don’t misunderstand me here. There are a lot of folks who have done amazing things here in the world who do deserve proper recognition. However it’s those who have had such a bad rap in the media are suddenly receiving many news and stories as soon as they pass.

But there are so many people who have passed that the world will never even know they existed. I think of the many aborted babies, refugees, orphans, desperate women, lonely seniors; and these only really scratch the surface.

I do find it interesting the value of a life and what our world considers. Somehow we are not all on the same playing field. A life is a life that deserves life doesn’t matter anymore. It matters who you are in the worlds eyes (apparently) and if you are wanted.

Thankfully I have a Saviour who died for everyone, not just the elite. Thankfully I have a God who loves us all the same, values life and understands that a life is a life that deserves life. And the most exciting part is that we were always WANTED. God always wanted us, He wants a relationship with us and He wants what is best for us.

http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/this-is-so-hard.-oh-god-its-so-hard-nurses-tell-of-aborted-babies-born-aliv

http://www.homeofhope.ca/

Busyness

Busyness is a funny thing.

I’ve used it as a form of comfort. While waiting during my adoption process close to the end I couldn’t just sit and wait anymore. Waiting made me think and thinking, well it just stirred up emotions. So I would keep busy doing things for the process or doing other things just to feel like I was accomplishing something (even if I wasn’t exactly) or to keep my mind off of things.

It has been used as an excuse. Whenever we do not really want to meet up with someone or it is just simply not a priority, we attribute it to being busy. I suppose that is an easier reason to swallow than to hear, “I don’t want to spend the time with you because I have other more important priorities.” Whether we are busy or not, we all know deep down that if the person was a priority we would make the time for them.

We sometimes feel important, successful or accomplished with it. If we are busy we think we are important with all the things we are doing. Of course we do not usually just leave it at that; we like to brag to others what we are doing and how important we really are.

Perhaps we equate being busy means we are not lazy. However there are many folks out there who are not busy but they are not lazy as well. Balance is always key.

And sometimes it is simply because we have committed to too much. Many a times I thought I could handle one more thing, and when I let something go I noticed how much more time I had afterwards. Overcommitting is a huge problem as well.

I’ve also realized I have heard others say how busy they are and then I hear their schedules and I think to myself, “Really? That’s not busy.” I suppose it has to do with that some can handle more things going on in their lives than others. Others I have heard their schedules and I think, “Wow, how in the world do you fit all that in?” So there are obviously the extremes with it.

Over time I have realized that I need to make sure there is adequate time for things that are important. I need to spend the proper amount of time with my Lord, spend the right amount of time with my daughter, I need to try to get the right amount of sleep – well some sleep anyways, spend time with my family and later fit in enough time for my job. If I do overdo things, those are usually the areas that suffer as well.

Anger

Oh the things that makes us angry. Anger even occurs in the littlest of beings on this earth.

But I have realized the difference between righteous anger and selfish anger; and I have experienced both.

I remember one specific time I experienced righteous anger. I was sitting at my computer and saw a news flash online about someone harming a young child in a very illegal and exposing kind of way. It made me angry at the injustice toward these little ones, how they have no way to defend themselves. However, just as quick the anger came, it subsided just as quickly and the result of it put a desire for me to be active in some way to help and prevent more stories like this one.

With selfish anger, the anger takes longer to subside. And often times if I reflect on what made me so angry I notice I start boiling up again. Unlike righteous anger I do not want to help the cause, I want to help me and focus and reflect on how much I was wronged.

It’s the selfish anger that causes us to sin and to do foolish things.

Psalm 106:33 - They made Moses angry, and he spoke foolishly. (NLT)

Here is one example how someone in scripture let his anger get the best of him and did a foolish mistake. The other cool thing here is that Moses was punished for his foolish anger, just like we have been. We may not be punished to his extreme, but when we are foolish in our anger we do experience some kind of consequence. Perhaps a rebuke from someone, a broken relationship, some kind of financial hardship, or worse; but we do experience some kind of “punishment” when we are foolish in our selfish anger.

My dad gave me some wise advice before I became a parent. He said if I react to my child’s behaviour when I get angry, I have let the behaviour get too far. I need to stop the behaviour before it gets to that point. After reading books I realized that responding to a child’s behaviour out of anger only teaches them to fear you and learn how far they can push you, it does not teach them anything constructive. It’s about stopping their bad behaviour not about when we become angry.

Yes we need to learn how to control our selfish anger, I agree with that. However I think it needs to go deeper than that. I think we need to find our triggers and work on those. When it comes to selfish anger, guaranteed the triggers usually have to do with our own selfishness over someone else pushing our buttons. Yes I do agree that people do push our buttons accidentally or on purpose, but that still does not give us a justified reason to explode.

The Art of Debate

I find it kind of funny the moment we seem to disagree with someone we automatically have to start stating our point of view and debating with the other thinking it will change their mind. How often does that happen?

I’m an avoider of conflict. I prefer when everyone is in happy unison and we can all get along. Or at the very least, get over ourselves and just let issues go. However having said, I have had people very intensely, very firmly state their opinion to me thinking the louder they are the more likely it is to change my mind. Honestly, in those situations all I want to do is quickly end the conversation and move on elsewhere and I plan on keeping the opinions I once had. Those methods have never worked to change my mind.

The thing that would change my mind about issues is just regular conversation and someone brings up something and says what happened to them and why they believe what they do. It’s the real conversations. In these conversations I can sit quietly by and empathize with the person and then go home and reflect on what they said. Once I do the reflecting and rethinking it is then that I may change my opinion a little bit to what it once was.

Reading is another way I change my opinions. Its gentle and I can read and either disagree about something or reflect as to reasons why to agree.

The other thing that changes my opinion on issues is experience. I have had many opinions about the way things are going to be (parenthood for example) only to find once in it, it’s not the way I thought it would be. Experience is a good teacher.

And of course there is God changing my heart about something. That would be the final piece. I have often found in situations me speaking up does not do a world of good. However when I go home and take it to prayer and come back to these situations, I am more than amazed how things have changed. That’s exterior, but I do know that it has happened in my life as well by others praying for me.

So I do have opinions and sometimes want to beat them over someone else’s head to change their mind. But then I have to step back and realize that if that does not work for me, perhaps it is not going to work for them either. Intense situations are never the way to go. Gentleness and prayer are. As Proverbs 15:15 says – “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Plus I need to realize, what is the real goal for me to change people’s mind? Is it so they think like me? So they will see how right I am? Is it to prove how wrong they were? Or is it to have them see things from a different point of view and adjust their mind frame accordingly?

Sometimes we get so focused on our opinion stance we forget to give compassion towards the person who we are giving our opinion to. If we are giving our opinion to them about a certain situation, we sometimes should step back and offer compassion first. Our opinions are really not all that important compared to a person.

Since none of us know everything, it is good if we can still learn and not get so hard headed. It’s also good to not think that everyone is wrong about everything all the time. We need to have a soft heart and learn to filter in what we need to learn and filter out what we need to discard.

Everybody is Needed

I find it interesting how we seem to get stuck on what gifts others have and what we do not have. It does not help where certain organizations seem to highlight some gifts over others and therefore it appears they are giving special treatment to those people.

But all gifts are needed.

I think of my sister’s gift as a teacher. With her education, desire and passion in it she sees things that I normally would not. But when my car needs repair or I have a plugged sink or furnace not working, I do not call on her and point out how great her gifts are. No. I find someone with those specific gifts to help me out. And I do not call on the mechanic or the plumber when I have a health issue. I have been to functions where the person running them was not a good administrator and others where the person was. Such a difference too! Some may not consider administration a gift, but if you attend an event where there has not been proper communication and no idea what is going on, then you know as well that it makes a difference.

Those are some of the many gifts that are out there.

The problem comes when we glorify some gifts over others. Perhaps those are the gifts needed in that certain situation, but given a different situation, different gifts would be needed. One gift is not more important than another.

And one person is not more important than another because of what gifts they have.

I know there are people out there who do not give back. There are those who only take from people. Some are known only for notorious things. There are people who are still only discovering their gifts. And there are those who are too young to really notice yet.

I also notice we seem to write people off who are in the poorest of poor state in a developing country. But to be fair they are just as valuable as we are. Where a person is born and how they are raised does not determine their value.

But all those people are not less important or valuable than everyone else. What we do does not determine our value, it’s who we are. We are all human and Christ died for all of us, not just some of the elite.

I know it seems we have a drive to compete with others so that we can appear better or more important. 

Perhaps we just forget that there are other people in this world too and it’s not all about us. I’m not sure. But I do believe a difference can be made if we all realize that everyone is valuable.

What We Want to Hear

It amazes me what we hear nowadays and how far it is from the actual truth or law.

During my adoption process I heard all types of stories and thoughts from individuals about how they figured the process happens. It was funny at times and frustrating at other times. Sometimes their thoughts were so far-fetched and other times they were stuck on these thoughts (who knows where they got them from) there was no way to convince them of the real process.

I noticed it when I started investigating the actual rules and regulations for landlords and tenants. I actually found out there were a lot of misconceptions about each of the rules for both the landlord and tenant. I actually wished when I was a tenant I had researched things previously so I would have known my rights.

My job is another. We often joke that folks will listen to the advice they receive at the nearest coffee shop while ignoring the actual advice they receive from the professionals.

Why is that?

Perhaps what we hear is better than what the actual truth is. Or perhaps we have formed it in such a bad frame in our minds that there is no way of convincing us otherwise because we simply do not want to ever proceed.

But then I realize that gossip works the same way.

It seems we think it is okay to get the latest gossip on famous people but then with the issues some of them have had to deal with in regards to the paparazzi it is definitely something I would not want to deal with on a daily basis. The media (news definitely included here) has a way of distorting what is true. They also portray the most drama stories (sadly).

It seems to be okay when we are venting about someone, but then suddenly all the bad things about this person come to light instead of a rounded perspective.

I have always enjoyed hearing the latest gossip about myself. I figured it was a way to catch up with what was going on in my life. Actually it made me laugh at what path people thought I was going to take when that was not even close to the reality. But then that is what gossip does.

It takes a small truth and by the time it goes from person to person, the facts have distorted a bit (or perhaps were distorted from the beginning). And so it turns out we in fact believe what we have heard in the latest gossip that we do not even hear (or know) what the truth is anymore.

I know sometimes when we try to correct someone on the actual facts of our lives based upon what the latest word going around about is, it sometimes comes with resistance and a “Are you sure?” (because obviously we do not know what is actually going on in our lives).

How the lies are more believable than the truth, I will never know. Perhaps the truth is boring or not interesting. Gossip is enticing and we like it whether what is said is true or not, who cares if we believe a bunch of lies, right?

I hope not. I am sure we have all been on the wrong side of the gossip and it has panged our hearts a little when we find out what is being said. Perhaps when we hear total lies about ourselves we are laughing, but not so much when it is a little bit of truth mixed in with a little bit of the lies.

And that makes me realize with finding out the proper laws. A lot of times it is a little truth mixed in with a little lies and we run with it. It’s the truth part that makes us think everything is okay. What we really need to realize is it is the lies part that we need to watch out for.

Staying Poor

There is much teaching out there in that the Christian is supposed to remain poor, or well at least hard up, as that is spiritual thing to do. However, I’m not exactly sure what that is based upon. Yes we could say it is based upon Scripture, but is that really the case?

I have been to a few developing countries and I have seen poor people. How we live here in Canada is not poor. We are blessed in that even our poorest neighbours have options either through the government or some charitable organization to help them. They may be still struggling financially but they do have resources that most in other countries simply do not have.

Most of my social circle is middle class. Now being middle class in this nation makes us some of the richest people in the world. However in the middle class there are varieties. You can be low middle class, middle middle class, or high middle class. I think the problem occurs when a low middle class or middle middle class person starts comparing what they have to the class above them. We look at what we have and what they have and think they are being less spiritual (because obviously we are the standard).

When I was in Bible school few of us had cars. I was one of the few. It seemed those who didn’t have a car tried to spiritualize (really tried to make us feel guilty) about why we should let them use our car or give them rides. In my second year a gal was given a fairly new car from her parents and other students seemed to gripe about this fact (something about being spoiled). It seemed we had another case of the has not’s using the people who had such a needed item and calling it spiritual even though it was straight up manipulation at times.

I have been on both sides. I have looked at folks who have more than I do and do wonder where their heart lies. In the above paragraph (as well as other times) I have had others do it to me as well and it seems that my heart is being evaluated.

I suppose checking our own hearts for envy, jealously or coveting is not on the agenda. But why is that? I suppose it is human nature to automatically look to others and start judging then to look at our own hearts and start repenting.

I am learning that those who do have more (or less) than me, what does it matter to me if they are using their items to further the Kingdom of God. Yes it matters to them, but then again it is something they will have to take up with God in the end. The important thing is for me to use what God has blessed me with for His Kingdom. Once I do a heart check, the envy that usually turns into manipulation and guilt dissipates. Yes perhaps we do need to confront others on not doing so, but we better make sure our hearts are checked first so that we are not doing so with the wrong or selfish motives.

I’ve also realized being poor makes us needy. Yes needy in the fact to rely on God, but also needy on others which may not be good if their resources should be used elsewhere. Sometimes I see it as some unwise planning on the person’s part which, in my mind, is not a real need. I believe those in real need are ones who had no control over their circumstances and what happens to them. Yes we do need to be helping each other out, but what I’m describing is that clarification is required to distinguish between a real need and a felt one.

In the end, each of us needs to do the best we can with what we have, whether rich or poor.

From One Mom to Another

I remember while I was waiting for my adoption to go through and I would visit people with kids and they made mention of how hard it is with their kids and raising them. At the time, I think I misunderstood it and thought it sounded like regret on their part for having kids, which made me a little upset deep down as this was something I was so longing for.

However, now being a mom, I see where they are coming from. Yes raising kids is hard work and not always enjoyable but they, like me, would not trade in their kids for anything. I was asked if I was glad I adopted my daughter and I said I was. Sure thoughts of some of the struggles swooped into my mind, but overall, it has been the best thing and I would not trade it.

I recently went shopping and as I was going into the store I saw a mom with three kids (probably 4, 2 and infant) walking out of the store yelling. She was definitely frustrated and by the context it seemed the kids were misbehaving while in the store. Since I only saw the tail end of it I cannot give a proper perspective on things. But I do know once it seems we reach that fuse point, no matter what anybody does (especially our kids) we are just going to blow a gasket. I felt bad for that frustrated mom and bad for the kiddos as well. The kids looked taken care of so I’m guessing it was just a bad day. I’m sure at that moment she was not enjoying her kids and found motherhood hard.

I also realized in public areas to watch what I’m doing because people are watching me.

When I was in the waiting period of my adoption and hearing others talk about their struggles with their kids (as the kids were all younger), I was also talking to my Grandma. She being old and widowed told me on a number of occasions when I visited her, “I don’t know where I would be today if I did not have my kids.” I reflected with her and realized how true that was. My Dad and my Aunt helped her in numerous ways the last 10 years of her life.

So both perspectives have helped me to see that when you are in the moment you sometimes forget about the big picture. However I want a relationship with my daughter and not just go through the motions of raising her. With the relationship it helps me to get to know her and know when she is going to push me to my limits, or when she is genuinely scared or hurt, or when is the time to just laugh together, or a good teaching moment, etc., etc. And listening to my Grandma has made me realize that how I treat my daughter today and every day is a good indicator of how she will treat me in the future.

Until she is an adult I have realized that parenthood is not convenient. Going to appointments for me is a lot more interesting when she tags along. Going to appointments for her is also interesting. Leaving the house takes more preparation and getting ready takes twice (or more) as long as it once did. I step on toys regularly, have an automatic alarm clock and are shown areas that need to be baby proofed properly. But this home is her home too, and she is living in it like I am as well.

I’ve also noticed how some childless folks want kids only for the accessory. When talking about kids, it’s as if you are picturing the 8 or 10 year old and having wonderful moments together. Not a thought is given to the process of getting the 8 or 10 year old to that point or a thought about the years after (teen years). When wanting kids we think only of the glamorous moments.

Yes in raising kids there are those moments, but there are also many not so glamorous moments. I experienced, when I started parenthood, the big difference between hanging out with kids for a few hours and the 24/7 with one. Hanging out with kids for a few hours you get to experience only the good and fun moments (well at least you can ship them off to their parents when a bad one festers) while with 24/7 you are in it for the long haul and are now the one who gets the child shipped to. Still wouldn’t trade it in for anything though.

The other thing I have noticed is the patience other mothers have. I think for the most part we have all embraced that doing anything will just take that much longer with a little one(s).

I recently went grocery shopping and took advantage of the parents with children parking spots. When I was completed my shopping and out to my car, there were two moms unloading as well, each on either side of me. I was blocking one mom from getting her baby into the car as I was putting mine in and then I started my car to keep her warm. She was fine with how long it took.

So even though parenthood is trying at times, it definitely teaches us and, if we let it, makes us better people. And even though those precious little ones are trying at times, they are so worth it!

Singleness

I have been recently reading other blogs on singleness. Some are written by single people and while I do relate with some of the things they say, others not so much. Other blogs on the subject are written by married people, which is always a little interesting getting a take on the single life from a married person.

I am sure at one time or another I have heard all the phrases or the intrusive questions. “God has someone picked out for you.” “He will give you the desires of your heart.” “You need to be content being single before God will bless you with a spouse.” “Do you have a boyfriend?” “How’s the dating going?” “Why don’t you try dating so and so?” “I have someone just in mind for you.” “What’s wrong with you?” And on and on it goes. (Please do not be offended if you gave me one of those answers – unless it’s the last one – as I am only expressing what I have heard and lumping them altogether. I understand that some of those comments are meant for comfort).

I sometimes honestly think it would be way easier to live the single life without the pressure from the outside world. I also do find it hard to find where I fit in exactly when attending church. Before I had my kid, I was single and childless. I do have married friends but our lives were a bit different as they were married and had kids and somehow there was this unrelateableness to it on both ends. Now that I do have a daughter, I do have a family, however it is not the “ideal” family and because I do not have a spouse there is still that barrier.

I have dated and had relationships. To date none have worked. Yes I realize one common denominator in each of these relationships is me. I get that and I am continually striving to better myself to be the right spouse for someone if the time comes. Yes I said “if”. When I was younger I used to say the “when” statements, but as time keeps trucking on by and I get older, I sometimes wonder and reflect about what God is really calling me to do.

I have heard from other older singles than me that it seems people give up on the statements about getting married because they simply do not think it is going to happen anymore. I am not sure if that makes things easier or harder; easier in the sense that the pressure is gone but harder because people have simply given up on the idea.

I have also read and heard how others can help singles and how singles should use themselves to bless others. Sure those are all great. But it appears it is the married people telling the singles what to do and vice versa. Perhaps it would be easier to hear it from someone who is in a similar state.

I try to live my life to the fullest regardless of the fact if I have a spouse or not. I have put a couple things on hold or was willing to give up when I was in a relationship with a guy because the person I was with I thought I would marry someday. Now that those relationships have come and gone I have realized that was not the right thing to do. I have also learned that because I am single does not mean I am incapable of doing things. I do not put my life on hold and wait for my “knight in shining armor.” God can use me just as much in my singleness as He can use me if I was married.

As far as advice about fitting in with the married folk, I am probably not the right person to ask that. I really do not know. We can do things to perhaps help ease the pain, but I have found that doing those things does not make the pain dissipate completely. Yes we can continually give this to God and I do on a regular basis. But the other thing I think we can do is not see being single as a curse and ignore the critics who think it is.

Introvert Alert

I am an introvert. Some things about being an introvert are great. Other things are frustrating and are a struggle.

Thankfully it seems most of my social circle are mostly introverts too. I guess that makes sense that introverts are drawn to other introverts. Hanging around extroverts all the time would just make us tired all that time.

One of the biggest struggles I have is all that surface talk. I can do it for a bit and then I got nothing. Shallow talk is even worse, but then again I don’t like petty conversation to begin with. It’s just hard for me to keep talking about stuff that is going nowhere by the end of it. Some people love that and that is great. However, I cannot even comprehend as to why they would.

I thrive on the internet. Emails, Facebook and chats I am all over. It’s great too that I can see a bunch of updated status on Facebook’s homepage. Don’t have to read all the statuses. I guess it could be counted as surface talk, but sometimes you do get to see a person's true character by what they write in their statuses. I have heard with the internet it has made us communicate less. Well for me it has actually helps me to communicate more. I keep in touch with more people and their lives more than I would if I would not be on it. It has also been great when I have left the country for periods of time and was still able to communicate back home, it sure did help with the home sickness that crept up.

Texting is another new technology I enjoy. Phoning not so much, although I can and do talk on the phone for professional reasons, it’s a lot easier to have a specific reason for a call instead of just going where the conversation takes you. Texting though is great. I am better at expressing myself through typing then talking. I think that might be the introvert in me.

Social settings where I do not know anyone or know anyone very well are the hardest. As an introvert I need down time after certain events, and the above mentioned events with many unknown people are the prevalent ones I need down time after. I just find them socially exhausting. However that being said, I do enjoy my down time as an introvert. I also do find certain events rejuvenating. When I am with people who I know and who know me well, I do not find these exhausting but rather refreshing.

Thankfully there are many advantages to being an introvert and I had to look online to find them. I have been forced to perform in an extroverted world. It forces me to do things I would not ordinary do under preferred circumstances. However doing those things has not changed me to an extrovert nor have extrovert tendencies. I just do those things like I would do a chore. Sometimes you just have to do it regardless if you enjoy it or not. Once the certain task has been performed and I am I able to retreat back I definitely do so.

So introverts out there, just a note of encouragement. It’s okay to be introverted. Don’t feel pressured to have to change. It’s who you are and who God designed you to be. Both introverts and extroverts are needed in this world…now if only we could work together better.

It’s a Safety Concern

Being a woman I know the need to always be on your guard. Whether online or outside, I need to be aware of my surroundings and who could be a potential threat.

I have even had experiences where I was glad I was on my guard. Being yelled at on the street and having someone slowly walk over to me (I assumed this person wanted money and I was not sure their state of mind) where I just quickly walked to work. Another time where I had a fellow (a complete stranger) come to my door and asked to use my washroom. I wisely gave him another alternative.

Those situations were not online.

But we all know online we need to keep our guard up, especially women and underage kids. There are so many people out there who will take advantage of us…or worse.

The thing we have to do is to be wise about it and to train up our kids to be wise as well in those situations. We roll our eyes or shake our heads at those who are not wise in those situations. We may possibly reprimand them or give them solutions of how to proceed with a similar situation in the future. Sadly that has to be the solution as we cannot expect perpetrators to change.

I do recommend the above.

I also do know sometimes (some) guys do not get the whole threat out there. They may be aware of some threats, but others they may think I/we am being overly cautious. I see where they are coming from. In some ways I do believe guys may be a little blinded to the fact as they would never have to experience those situations. However I know there has been a time or two where I bypassed a real need in an effort to be on my guard. For example, I had a cop come into work to give us some self-defence tips. He suggested to never hand anyone money when asked because as soon as you start digging in your purse for change, you are an easy target for someone to take down. I remembered that. So when I was shopping one time and someone asked for a specific $0.35 I reacted with “nope”, not realizing until afterwards it was a boy who needed exact change for a phone call. Yes I was on my guard for safety’s sake, but sometimes I need to be aware of who is actually asking.

So yes I try to be wise by not walking alone at night, walk around situations where I do not feel safe, having strict settings on my social media accounts, only giving out certain information when appropriate and taking advice of other safety tips I have received. However amongst all that I also am striving to be aware of the situations for need too. It does take extra work, but I do not think either situation should be dismissed.

Stay-At-Home Mom

I’ve recently been hearing about stay-at-home Moms and how it seems it is a woman’s ONLY calling to do that. The argument has even gone so far as to say “it’s in the Bible” which does not seem to be the case.

Let me explain by using certain verses in Proverbs 31, a passage of Scripture which is also recommended for women of today to follow.

Vs. 16 – “She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.”

Looks to be in this verse she is buying real estate.

Vs. 24 – “She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.”

She has a business making items and selling them. Now I realize that some folks out there think women should totally be domesticated and make items like this, but the point I am trying to make is that she has a business and she made inventory in order to sell items.

I was told in the Old Testament they actually had businesses in the back of their houses and the whole family had to work in them (including the wife and children).

Now do not get me wrong. I do understand the importance of being there for your children and pouring into them. I believe that is important too. If there are women out there who are specifically called for only this purpose, than that is great and they should do it to the best of their ability. I also believe that your family is your first ministry and the one that should not be neglected.

My point is that most women do have other skills, gifts, talents and abilities than just being stay-at-home Moms. I think it is also important to use those skills in some capacity while raising kids. It does not necessarily have to be working 40 hours a week to use those skills; there are other ways, even very creative ways, to use those skills. Volunteering, starting or helping out in a certain ministry, stepping up on a specific project at a certain time, working part-time or from home with a business, and on and on. There are many ways to use our skills outside of the home.

And there are many ways to use our skills, gifts, talents and abilities within the home as well they just need to be recognized as such.

My Mom was a stay-at-home Mom. It worked for my parents. However the other thing I most remember as I grew up was that my Dad always encouraged my Mom’s growth. He wanted her to be involved with the finances (they both knew what was going on) and she could use them as she saw fit in our household (food, clothing, school supplies, events, etc.) He also encouraged her when she wanted and did take some courses through distance education. He stood by her side and encouraged her when she went on a short-term mission’s trip with me. And now he encourages her as she is volunteering in a position she has always desired to do. That is what has inspired me to realize as a woman, it is okay to have certain skills, gifts, talents and abilities and to use them.

But the other thing that my parents and Proverbs 31 have shown me is…

Vs. 23 - “Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.”

…to marry a man with reputable qualities himself and who will not feel threatened by my skills, gifts, talents and abilities.

Winter Blues

I used to just detest winter. I would have rather been anywhere but here for the nasty winters. I would whine and complain about it as if that would change the weather. Today I’m still not a huge fan but I have learned to appreciate what we do have here instead of looking at what we do not.

The first thing I learned (or at least started to pay attention to) was after reading a specific book and realized with our (cold) winters it kills bugs and we are not as susceptible to certain diseases from these bugs that could kill us (malaria for example). Most times when I have went to a developing country I took malaria pills to ward off malaria. Others in those countries may not be so lucky. People freezing to death here does happen but is rare and usually only in extreme or stupid cases.

We are blessed in that we do not have to worry about wars in our country or rebels attacking us for whatever reason. We do have thieves (and other criminal acts) we need to protect ourselves from, but again it is not as drastic as other countries.

I have not been tortured or killed for my faith. Made fun of, sure. Had awkward moments, of course. But tortured or killed, nope.

Our dress code is pretty flexible. As much as I would like to wear shorts and sandals in the winter, I obviously do not for cases mentioned at the end of paragraph two. I’ve also come to realize that many of the countries that are hot enough year round for that type of dress do not allow it or it is not recommended.

Where I personally live, it has never had the experience of a hurricane, typhoid or tsunami. Again winter has its downfalls, but destroying and wiping out nations is not one of them.

So with the above mentioned, I have learned to count my blessings even in the bitter cold nights of a long winter season. Because really; it could be much worse.

New Year’s Resolutions vs. Goals

I personally do not make New Year Resolutions. Never really have. I think perhaps for me it is mostly the time constraint when we make them, only once a year and at the beginning of the year. I like the flexibility to make these all year long and start and finish accordingly.

Instead I make regular and consistent goals. I remember at one time I had like 5 or 6 goals competing at the same time. That may be a little excessive and is not for everyone, but I do recommend making goals.

I have learned; we all work differently. What works for me, may not work for you. We need to find what motivates us personally and work within that. We need to learn and experiment what works and does not work and once we find what does work run with it. This whole idea of boxing us into the same processes works for some, but it definitely does not work for everyone.

I am a very driven person. Sometimes a little too driven that I can get so focused on the task or goal at hand and forget things that need attention. The thing that has made me more and more driven is achieving my goals. It is exciting and it motivates me to make another goal that is attainable and I can reach. I know some people reward themselves once they do reach a goal and if that is what it takes to motivate you than that is a great idea. I personally have never really rewarded myself for goals attained; just hitting them was reward enough for me.

The thing I have done with my goals is if something got in the way and I had to adjust the deadline, I just move it and keep striving to meet it. The other thing I have done is that sometimes I did not have a set deadline, just a project or task I wanted to complete before such big event happened in my life. I know that may not be recommended by the official “Making Proper Goals” department, but it does work for me and I have attained those goals. I have also realized that in order to complete goals some part of the process to attain it is out of our hands. For example, when you want to buy a house you can make the goal of saving for a down payment (and specifying the exact amount to save), find specific houses to buy, contact banks and mortgage companies to receive a mortgage but the approval of the mortgage is out of your hands and the whole process in general may take longer than expected. That is one reason I believe flexibility is needed. Another reason is for areas in our lives that will take a while to achieve the ultimate goal. Raising kids is a good example of this. I have specific goals in raising my daughter but some of them will not be achieved until she is in adulthood. Also we all know with kids that they may not always work with us in achieving these goals on a consistent, regular basis, but it is the overall process in this area that counts; which is why flexibility is key.

The other thing is I do not do is write them down. I know it is recommended and I know some people may need to do that, but for me it is continually processing in my brain and I am continually finding ways to meet my goal that I do not need to write it down to remember what my goal was.

I have also had minuscule goals and huge goals. It did not matter the size of the goal, just making and reaching them is what mattered.

The important thing is that we make, strive and complete our goals, however way works for us.