Draining or Rejuvenating

I have been in friendships where when I visit with them and leave I feel absolutely rejuvenated, refreshed and ready to conquer the next challenge life will throw at me. However, there are other people out there who are simply draining. I do not consider these friendships as in my mind that is not what a real friendship is. When one party leaves these visits feeling drained and exhausted by the end; that is something I consider unhealthy. I have had these in my life as well.

The thing I’ve noticed is that unhealthy people do not realize they are unhealthy. They are acting and doing things according to the only way they know how. I know before anyone knew Christ we did not realize we were unhealthy and needed a Saviour.

I realize once we become Christians we still all have sins to work through whether we are aware of them or not. Where growth comes in is when we recognize where we need to change, repent of it and work to change it. I know it is easy to fall into old patterns, but we need to recognize those as well and continue to work on it instead of throwing out excuses.

I have taken many parenting type classes since I started my adoption process. It is true that unhealthy parents usually produce unhealthy kids. Parents who do not know how to relate properly portray this unto their kids. Then these kids grow up and the cycle repeats itself (unless someone breaks the cycle). Now that I have my daughter I see the importance (more so) of having a healthy relationship with her and raising her to be a healthy adult.

As a parent I desire my daughter to have healthy friendships. I also see that is what my parents’ desire for me as well no matter what age I am. The only difference is I can create parameters for the unhealthy relationships she develops whereas my parents can only give me advice on such. Once my daughter is an adult, I will then fall back into the only being able to give advice. The reason as parents we desire healthy friendships for our kids, is that we recognize the influence of a healthy and unhealthy relationships can have on them. It’s easier to discern this with our kids’ lives then it is in our relationships.

I’ve heard it mentioned to surround yourself with healthy friendships and I do believe that is a great plan. Healthy friendships can offer genuine support when needed, help each other to be accountable when needed and can call out an offense (properly) when needed.

But what is the proper response to these unhealthy relationships? It seems those individuals believe it is friendship; however I am not so sure. I see Jesus calling out the Pharisees many a times but He was never good friends with them. Perhaps He was with Nicodemus but that would have come after Nicodemus’ transformation. I’m sure many people may have told their deepest thoughts and feelings to Jesus, but I’m also sure there were not too many people who Jesus told His deepest thoughts and feelings to (while on this earth), which is what a true friend is. I know His closest friend on earth was the disciple John. Many people only wanted association with Jesus for His healing power or to give them something, not desiring to reciprocate back. At times He called those people out on this. 

So just because people may have shared their entire hearts with Jesus, it does not mean He equally reciprocated with them. The thing I notice is Jesus gave everyone the proper attention they deserved. By proper I do not mean that it was always necessarily what that person wanted, but what was best for them.

My personal goal is to strive what Jesus did. To first is to be that healthy individual so that people do not see me as a draining source and a dread to be around. Second is to develop and have a healthy relationship with my daughter (and any other children I may have) and to teach her (them) how to be healthy individuals. Third is to continually seek and learn so I can treat unhealthy individuals as Jesus did.

True Meaning of Christmas

I have noticed how much more Christmas seems to be getting commercialized over the years. Not just Christmas either, other holidays (Black Friday, Remembrance Day, Boxing Day) are getting more and more commercialized. In my lifetime Christmas and Boxing Day were commercialized to some degree or another, but it’s getting played up more and more (or perhaps I’m just noticing it more). However I know for a fact Black Friday in Canada is only a new concept from a few years back.

I know presents are a big thing and always have been in my lifetime as well. As a kid I woke up to find presents under the Christmas tree (that magically appeared there…amazing ;-) ). Even then we could get so focused on the presents we were receiving we forgot what the true meaning of Christmas was all about. To what gain, I don’t remember (and have not kept) every single present I have received.

Santa Claus is another big thing for Christmas. I understand how Santa Claus came about and such, which was great at the time, but somehow, today has played into the commercialism. Now do not get me wrong, my daughter has attended a couple of Christmas parties that did have a Santa there and she sat on his knee and received presents at both. I’m not about to jump into everyone’s faces to say “no we should not have Santa Claus here, how dare you!” I will participate and will have fun. I just think that in society today Santa is a big ploy in the commercialism and the distraction from the real true meaning of Christmas.

We are also just so busy come Christmas. A Christmas Party here, a gift exchange event there, shopping and baking, Christmas concerts and of course decorating; so many things to do and so little time to do it. Or is that really the case? Are we perhaps just so busy that we lose focus on the true meaning of Christmas, and I believe the true meaning is much simpler than how we make it out to be today.

Family is another big one that is seen as the most important thing about Christmas. While I agree that yes family is important and I do spend Christmas with my family, I do not believe that it is the most important thing. Plus there needs to be another reason for Christmas for those out there who do not have any family.

It started with a woman who was very faithful and took on a task that could have shunned her (had God not stepped in and changed things); a man who stood by this woman’s side through it all and a stinky old livestock transportation port in a manager because the inns were full.

Luke 2:16 – “So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.”

That’s where the real meaning of Christmas began.

Left Out

The other day my Dad was holding my niece and my daughter. My nephew took notice of this. He felt left out that the girls got to be held by Grandpa and he did not. He did not cry about it, but you could tell his discomfort. His parents, my mom and I all felt bad for the little guy. When my niece was done with Grandpa, we let Grandpa hold him and my daughter hoping that would suffice.

That same day a friend of mine’s very young daughter cried when the other bigger kids were playing but she was not. Her mom looked at her and asked, “Are you feeling left out?”

It is okay when you’re a kid to cry or show discomfort when you are left out. Especially when they are super young as that is the only way they know how to express that. It’s also amazing how young it happens. Both of these young children were under the age of two.

However the feeling does not suddenly dissipate the older we get. It is still there. The only thing different is that we know how to mask it better. Well some of us anyways. Instead of crying or complaining we either pretend it did not happen or hide how we really feel, but it is still there. The adults who do cry or complain (extensively) usually get avoided more so because no one likes to be around another adult who is throwing a temper tantrum like a child.

But there are other areas we can feel left out on that do not have to deal with people per se. For example, I sometimes feel left out I do not have a spouse when many of my friends and family have one, others may feel left out that they do not have children or the career they always wanted; or perhaps there is that relationship where one party left it.

It is still there no matter how old we are.

We simply do not like to be forgotten or alone. None of us do. Some are forgotten more than others but I’m sure we have all been there at one time or another.

But then I realize how we leave God out of so many things now. It’s not like this has just started now, humanity has been doing this throughout all of time. It appears it comes back to our sinfulness.

I think of Jesus and how He was forgotten when He was crucified. All the disciples, except John (John 19:25-27) fled. Even God turned His back on Jesus at one time (Matthew 27:46). If ever someone has experienced aloneness, I’m sure that would be the time.

What Happiness Really Means

I notice society seems to be promoting Happiness like it is the most important thing. But what does happiness really mean?

I notice with any human we are all happy when we get our way, no matter who we stepped on or hurt along the path to get there. We got our way and that is all that matters and now we are happy. Sounds like a spoiled brat really. And we all know spoiled brats are not happy. Sure maybe they are for the moment, but then there will be another opportunity where they will pitch a fit to get their way and be happy for another moment to only…

I have also noticed adults who pursue life to only be happy. It’s interesting as it appears they are not really. They want happiness so bad they are sacrificing important things in order to pursue it. Perhaps looking only for that ideal job or house or spouse or (sadly) children only to pass up and miss out on opportunities.

Instead of looking for the perfect opportunities to make us happy, we may need to lower our standards and just be content with what we have and what is within our reach.

When I purchased my house to live in I did not purchase a house to make me happy. I purchased one that I could afford, that was practical and one that I could make a home. It’s not the prettiest house and it’s not a big house, but its home and I’m happy with it. It keeps me warm on the cold winter nights, I am able to raise a family here and it has given me other opportunities as well. But I did not buy a house to make me happy but the result ended up as that.

When I started my job I did not start in the position I have today. I started in another position. It took 2.5 years before I entered into the job I have today and I like it there. I could have missed that opportunity had I not been able to see I was just starting out and that would have been a real shame. I’m happy with where I am today in my career, but again I did not pursue only happiness to get there and yet I’m happy.

I realize life is more than a house and a career, but I also realize it’s more than just pursing happiness for the sake of being happy. When someone wants me to be happy only, I realize that is only a portion of the equation. The majority of it is contentment. For once I have contentment in any and all situations, happiness is the by product.

Giving

I have heard it expressed “Why give to other countries when there is such need here?” Agreed there is need here. There is need in those other countries as well.

I think it’s great how we are all wired just a little bit different. How issues and certain crises affect some people more than others. I believe we need all. We need people who will donate and contribute here and I believe we need people who will donate and contribute to other countries as well.

Having worked at a kid’s camp and other organizations at home I saw need in those kids and adults right here. Having been to a few different developing countries I saw need in those kids and adults right there. There is need everywhere.

As for adoption, my parents fostered and adopted kids here in this country. I went internationally. Both are in my family. Both are needed. All of those kids needed a forever home.

There are some charities that just do not motivate me to give to them. It’s just the way it is. There are others that I wished I could give more as my heart breaks over their stories.

Christmas is also the biggest time folks give. Between the bombardment in my mailbox and the phone calls I receive asking for money this must be true (plus I read something online about how this time of year is a big time to give). Giving needs to happen throughout the entire year as the need is still there regardless of timing.

2 Corinthians 9:6-7 – “Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”

I think the important thing is to not get on someone who is giving to something that you do not deem worthwhile. The important thing is they are giving. Sometimes we get on someone because it may be used as an excuse to not give at all, but sometimes it may be we think everyone should have the same heart as we do. That’s just not the case. I’m glad we are different in that regard and can see how God uses all.

Widows and Orphans

James 1:27 “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

There are many other verses in regards to widows and orphans in the Bible, but this one is my favourite. From the Old Testament God had set it up for the widows and orphans to be taken care of with giving a double portion to the oldest son as an inheritance. He was to take care of any widowed or unmarried sisters and anyone else in the family who was in need (orphans in the family). I’m sure we all had jealous thoughts when reading how the oldest son received a double portion, why is he so special, so favoured. Well it appears great blessing comes great responsibility. It was actually a neat set up if you think about, people in need would be taken care of.

However, the Old Testament also shows great exploitation with this. Sad really, how God has something designed that would work so well, only to be taken advantage of by us humans.

 I believe orphans are at the most disadvantage in the world really. They have no parents, no way to make money, usually forgotten, helpless because of their age and ability, and their brains are not fully formed yet. If there was anyone in need in our world it is the orphan.

However it is the widow I most struggled with. Being single I saw that I could be in that exact same spot in later life (if I never got married), I just would have never had a spouse. Since I thought I could be in that exact same spot I thought about how capable I am (okay perhaps I will not be as capable when I’m in my eighty’s) and that I would figure things out much like I do today. I also saw my Grandma who was widowed at age 82 and how capable she was.

But then I realized yes she was capable but how I just did things for her just for doing and not because she was a widow. Her and my Great-Aunt (they were sister-in-laws to each other) were both widows and both very capable women but yet I would give them rides to special events because neither were driving anymore. They were not distressed in my mind, just neither could drive anymore. I remember when my niece was born and I came and told my Grandma and she wanted to go there right away once I picked up my Great-aunt (I was going to take them to church for a special event, but things changed). I went to the hospital with two ladies who were in their ninety’s. It was kind of cute actually and it made their day getting to see and hold my niece.

I remember my Dad going out to my Grandma’s on a regular basis to help. He helped with everything from taxes to bills to maintenance around the house. Yes my Grandma was a very capable women but she still needed help in some of these things.

It was one year ago she passed. I went to see her the day before she passed (she passed away at just after midnight the next day) and how I sat on her bed and held her hand for a couple or so hours. She was in distress. I saw it then. But those other times when she was in distress, I just did for her and did not see it as such.

It was my Grandma who showed me helping widows in their distress took on a whole different meaning. 

As for my Great-Aunt, she fell down and is in the hospital now. My sister and I came with my Mom and brought our kids to show off and meet the new additions. I believe it made my Great-Aunt’s day. She got to meet my nephew and my daughter, two babies that my Grandma missed out on. One child who was once orphaned made the day of a widow. Now that is a statement for sure.

Let the Little Children Come

I am appalled how our world treats little kids. With the help of the internet and Facebook, I have seen many of articles go around about when life starts for a child or how a child was harmed/abused or how children are being neglected/abandoned.

Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Kids were important in Jesus’ eyes. But another verse shows how causing a child to stumble is a horrible sin. Mark 9:42 "If anyone causes one of these little ones--those who believe in me--to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea.

Yikes, that’s pretty huge.

I have heard people express how the world is and what God is doing (or not doing in their minds) about it. However it seems many times it is coming from how it affects them or their immediate families or social circles. It’s not much beyond that. I wonder if they have ever seen it from a child who was neglected or abused or abandoned.

Kids are the ones who seem to get to live most with the consequences of a sin they did not commit. Adults determine how life will be for them. They don’t get to choose where they will live, how their parents relate to each other and to them, what events they can attend, etc. Sure kids can influence more in some families or situations than others, but ultimately it’s the adults’ decision.

How many adults do you know that have made mention of how horrible their childhood was? Obviously what is done in their childhood still affects them to this day. And yet it seems we don’t remember that when it comes to influencing our children today, we forget that these decisions will have a lasting outcome into adulthood…interesting.

But I do believe kids are important to God. I do believe when one of them calls out because of legit pain from someone else’s sinfulness that God hears them and He will listen. The consequence may not be today it may not be tomorrow, but it will come if not repented of.

A few weeks back I was going to go to a kid’s event and help my mom with my sister’s kids (my sister was working that day). All the kids had runny noses so we just stayed in due to protocol. I really could have stayed at home with my daughter’s runny nose but decided I could just hang out with my niece and nephew. The two of them are two and under. Most folks may have thought big deal about spending the day with the kids, they won’t notice. But they did. It actually made their day and my daughter’s too. No matter what age kids are, they are still a big deal.

New to Parenthood

So I’m brand new to this parenthood thing. Like really new. I’m almost 4 months in full-time. I would actually consider myself a parent for 7 ½ months. If you wondering, “what is she talking about?” I guess I should explain further. I did not do the standard or most common way to have kids which would be biologically.

One of the first things I thought I would be experiencing from people was comments like: “Well she’s not really yours then”, but surprisingly I have not heard these as of yet. Which is good because I know that is absolutely not true and being through the whole process to get my daughter I have realized that it means more. I have been around other moms discussing their labour and pregnancies and such, and that has been hard at times as our story is different. However I was thinking of similarities too.

Instead of the pregnancy test I had a phone call. The waiting period folks wait to tell everyone, except maybe some family and close friends, I had as well when I was in between the phone call and the final acceptance. Sure it was only 3 days, but there was a waiting period before I blabbed it to the world per se. I also told people this good news like when my friends would inform me of their pregnancy.

My friends would receive an ultra sound and they could find out the gender of the baby. Sometimes these pictures get put on their fridge. Well I received a picture of my daughter with my referral and I have it on my fridge.

I had an instant mothering flood of emotions to start nesting when I heard the news. I also had the mom brain all my friends were talking about when they were pregnant and I had no idea what they meant until I had it myself.

I would sleep so soundly pre-kids. I was actually concerned I would sleep through my baby’s crying. But like other mothers, that has changed. My body has been in-tune to hear her from that first night.

My recovery time was actually jet leg. I get time off of work like any other mother would. I get to watch and partake in those intricate moments in my daughter’s life as she is learning and growing. I see my influence already as she imitates things I do. I get to start family traditions.

I heard someone say once “A child either grows in your heart or under your heart.” I have realized through this entire journey God prepares a mother’s heart no matter how the child came to be. I’m still amazed how God can prepare our hearts for the little ones who enter it.