What We Want to Hear

It amazes me what we hear nowadays and how far it is from the actual truth or law.

During my adoption process I heard all types of stories and thoughts from individuals about how they figured the process happens. It was funny at times and frustrating at other times. Sometimes their thoughts were so far-fetched and other times they were stuck on these thoughts (who knows where they got them from) there was no way to convince them of the real process.

I noticed it when I started investigating the actual rules and regulations for landlords and tenants. I actually found out there were a lot of misconceptions about each of the rules for both the landlord and tenant. I actually wished when I was a tenant I had researched things previously so I would have known my rights.

My job is another. We often joke that folks will listen to the advice they receive at the nearest coffee shop while ignoring the actual advice they receive from the professionals.

Why is that?

Perhaps what we hear is better than what the actual truth is. Or perhaps we have formed it in such a bad frame in our minds that there is no way of convincing us otherwise because we simply do not want to ever proceed.

But then I realize that gossip works the same way.

It seems we think it is okay to get the latest gossip on famous people but then with the issues some of them have had to deal with in regards to the paparazzi it is definitely something I would not want to deal with on a daily basis. The media (news definitely included here) has a way of distorting what is true. They also portray the most drama stories (sadly).

It seems to be okay when we are venting about someone, but then suddenly all the bad things about this person come to light instead of a rounded perspective.

I have always enjoyed hearing the latest gossip about myself. I figured it was a way to catch up with what was going on in my life. Actually it made me laugh at what path people thought I was going to take when that was not even close to the reality. But then that is what gossip does.

It takes a small truth and by the time it goes from person to person, the facts have distorted a bit (or perhaps were distorted from the beginning). And so it turns out we in fact believe what we have heard in the latest gossip that we do not even hear (or know) what the truth is anymore.

I know sometimes when we try to correct someone on the actual facts of our lives based upon what the latest word going around about is, it sometimes comes with resistance and a “Are you sure?” (because obviously we do not know what is actually going on in our lives).

How the lies are more believable than the truth, I will never know. Perhaps the truth is boring or not interesting. Gossip is enticing and we like it whether what is said is true or not, who cares if we believe a bunch of lies, right?

I hope not. I am sure we have all been on the wrong side of the gossip and it has panged our hearts a little when we find out what is being said. Perhaps when we hear total lies about ourselves we are laughing, but not so much when it is a little bit of truth mixed in with a little bit of the lies.

And that makes me realize with finding out the proper laws. A lot of times it is a little truth mixed in with a little lies and we run with it. It’s the truth part that makes us think everything is okay. What we really need to realize is it is the lies part that we need to watch out for.

Staying Poor

There is much teaching out there in that the Christian is supposed to remain poor, or well at least hard up, as that is spiritual thing to do. However, I’m not exactly sure what that is based upon. Yes we could say it is based upon Scripture, but is that really the case?

I have been to a few developing countries and I have seen poor people. How we live here in Canada is not poor. We are blessed in that even our poorest neighbours have options either through the government or some charitable organization to help them. They may be still struggling financially but they do have resources that most in other countries simply do not have.

Most of my social circle is middle class. Now being middle class in this nation makes us some of the richest people in the world. However in the middle class there are varieties. You can be low middle class, middle middle class, or high middle class. I think the problem occurs when a low middle class or middle middle class person starts comparing what they have to the class above them. We look at what we have and what they have and think they are being less spiritual (because obviously we are the standard).

When I was in Bible school few of us had cars. I was one of the few. It seemed those who didn’t have a car tried to spiritualize (really tried to make us feel guilty) about why we should let them use our car or give them rides. In my second year a gal was given a fairly new car from her parents and other students seemed to gripe about this fact (something about being spoiled). It seemed we had another case of the has not’s using the people who had such a needed item and calling it spiritual even though it was straight up manipulation at times.

I have been on both sides. I have looked at folks who have more than I do and do wonder where their heart lies. In the above paragraph (as well as other times) I have had others do it to me as well and it seems that my heart is being evaluated.

I suppose checking our own hearts for envy, jealously or coveting is not on the agenda. But why is that? I suppose it is human nature to automatically look to others and start judging then to look at our own hearts and start repenting.

I am learning that those who do have more (or less) than me, what does it matter to me if they are using their items to further the Kingdom of God. Yes it matters to them, but then again it is something they will have to take up with God in the end. The important thing is for me to use what God has blessed me with for His Kingdom. Once I do a heart check, the envy that usually turns into manipulation and guilt dissipates. Yes perhaps we do need to confront others on not doing so, but we better make sure our hearts are checked first so that we are not doing so with the wrong or selfish motives.

I’ve also realized being poor makes us needy. Yes needy in the fact to rely on God, but also needy on others which may not be good if their resources should be used elsewhere. Sometimes I see it as some unwise planning on the person’s part which, in my mind, is not a real need. I believe those in real need are ones who had no control over their circumstances and what happens to them. Yes we do need to be helping each other out, but what I’m describing is that clarification is required to distinguish between a real need and a felt one.

In the end, each of us needs to do the best we can with what we have, whether rich or poor.

From One Mom to Another

I remember while I was waiting for my adoption to go through and I would visit people with kids and they made mention of how hard it is with their kids and raising them. At the time, I think I misunderstood it and thought it sounded like regret on their part for having kids, which made me a little upset deep down as this was something I was so longing for.

However, now being a mom, I see where they are coming from. Yes raising kids is hard work and not always enjoyable but they, like me, would not trade in their kids for anything. I was asked if I was glad I adopted my daughter and I said I was. Sure thoughts of some of the struggles swooped into my mind, but overall, it has been the best thing and I would not trade it.

I recently went shopping and as I was going into the store I saw a mom with three kids (probably 4, 2 and infant) walking out of the store yelling. She was definitely frustrated and by the context it seemed the kids were misbehaving while in the store. Since I only saw the tail end of it I cannot give a proper perspective on things. But I do know once it seems we reach that fuse point, no matter what anybody does (especially our kids) we are just going to blow a gasket. I felt bad for that frustrated mom and bad for the kiddos as well. The kids looked taken care of so I’m guessing it was just a bad day. I’m sure at that moment she was not enjoying her kids and found motherhood hard.

I also realized in public areas to watch what I’m doing because people are watching me.

When I was in the waiting period of my adoption and hearing others talk about their struggles with their kids (as the kids were all younger), I was also talking to my Grandma. She being old and widowed told me on a number of occasions when I visited her, “I don’t know where I would be today if I did not have my kids.” I reflected with her and realized how true that was. My Dad and my Aunt helped her in numerous ways the last 10 years of her life.

So both perspectives have helped me to see that when you are in the moment you sometimes forget about the big picture. However I want a relationship with my daughter and not just go through the motions of raising her. With the relationship it helps me to get to know her and know when she is going to push me to my limits, or when she is genuinely scared or hurt, or when is the time to just laugh together, or a good teaching moment, etc., etc. And listening to my Grandma has made me realize that how I treat my daughter today and every day is a good indicator of how she will treat me in the future.

Until she is an adult I have realized that parenthood is not convenient. Going to appointments for me is a lot more interesting when she tags along. Going to appointments for her is also interesting. Leaving the house takes more preparation and getting ready takes twice (or more) as long as it once did. I step on toys regularly, have an automatic alarm clock and are shown areas that need to be baby proofed properly. But this home is her home too, and she is living in it like I am as well.

I’ve also noticed how some childless folks want kids only for the accessory. When talking about kids, it’s as if you are picturing the 8 or 10 year old and having wonderful moments together. Not a thought is given to the process of getting the 8 or 10 year old to that point or a thought about the years after (teen years). When wanting kids we think only of the glamorous moments.

Yes in raising kids there are those moments, but there are also many not so glamorous moments. I experienced, when I started parenthood, the big difference between hanging out with kids for a few hours and the 24/7 with one. Hanging out with kids for a few hours you get to experience only the good and fun moments (well at least you can ship them off to their parents when a bad one festers) while with 24/7 you are in it for the long haul and are now the one who gets the child shipped to. Still wouldn’t trade it in for anything though.

The other thing I have noticed is the patience other mothers have. I think for the most part we have all embraced that doing anything will just take that much longer with a little one(s).

I recently went grocery shopping and took advantage of the parents with children parking spots. When I was completed my shopping and out to my car, there were two moms unloading as well, each on either side of me. I was blocking one mom from getting her baby into the car as I was putting mine in and then I started my car to keep her warm. She was fine with how long it took.

So even though parenthood is trying at times, it definitely teaches us and, if we let it, makes us better people. And even though those precious little ones are trying at times, they are so worth it!

Singleness

I have been recently reading other blogs on singleness. Some are written by single people and while I do relate with some of the things they say, others not so much. Other blogs on the subject are written by married people, which is always a little interesting getting a take on the single life from a married person.

I am sure at one time or another I have heard all the phrases or the intrusive questions. “God has someone picked out for you.” “He will give you the desires of your heart.” “You need to be content being single before God will bless you with a spouse.” “Do you have a boyfriend?” “How’s the dating going?” “Why don’t you try dating so and so?” “I have someone just in mind for you.” “What’s wrong with you?” And on and on it goes. (Please do not be offended if you gave me one of those answers – unless it’s the last one – as I am only expressing what I have heard and lumping them altogether. I understand that some of those comments are meant for comfort).

I sometimes honestly think it would be way easier to live the single life without the pressure from the outside world. I also do find it hard to find where I fit in exactly when attending church. Before I had my kid, I was single and childless. I do have married friends but our lives were a bit different as they were married and had kids and somehow there was this unrelateableness to it on both ends. Now that I do have a daughter, I do have a family, however it is not the “ideal” family and because I do not have a spouse there is still that barrier.

I have dated and had relationships. To date none have worked. Yes I realize one common denominator in each of these relationships is me. I get that and I am continually striving to better myself to be the right spouse for someone if the time comes. Yes I said “if”. When I was younger I used to say the “when” statements, but as time keeps trucking on by and I get older, I sometimes wonder and reflect about what God is really calling me to do.

I have heard from other older singles than me that it seems people give up on the statements about getting married because they simply do not think it is going to happen anymore. I am not sure if that makes things easier or harder; easier in the sense that the pressure is gone but harder because people have simply given up on the idea.

I have also read and heard how others can help singles and how singles should use themselves to bless others. Sure those are all great. But it appears it is the married people telling the singles what to do and vice versa. Perhaps it would be easier to hear it from someone who is in a similar state.

I try to live my life to the fullest regardless of the fact if I have a spouse or not. I have put a couple things on hold or was willing to give up when I was in a relationship with a guy because the person I was with I thought I would marry someday. Now that those relationships have come and gone I have realized that was not the right thing to do. I have also learned that because I am single does not mean I am incapable of doing things. I do not put my life on hold and wait for my “knight in shining armor.” God can use me just as much in my singleness as He can use me if I was married.

As far as advice about fitting in with the married folk, I am probably not the right person to ask that. I really do not know. We can do things to perhaps help ease the pain, but I have found that doing those things does not make the pain dissipate completely. Yes we can continually give this to God and I do on a regular basis. But the other thing I think we can do is not see being single as a curse and ignore the critics who think it is.

Introvert Alert

I am an introvert. Some things about being an introvert are great. Other things are frustrating and are a struggle.

Thankfully it seems most of my social circle are mostly introverts too. I guess that makes sense that introverts are drawn to other introverts. Hanging around extroverts all the time would just make us tired all that time.

One of the biggest struggles I have is all that surface talk. I can do it for a bit and then I got nothing. Shallow talk is even worse, but then again I don’t like petty conversation to begin with. It’s just hard for me to keep talking about stuff that is going nowhere by the end of it. Some people love that and that is great. However, I cannot even comprehend as to why they would.

I thrive on the internet. Emails, Facebook and chats I am all over. It’s great too that I can see a bunch of updated status on Facebook’s homepage. Don’t have to read all the statuses. I guess it could be counted as surface talk, but sometimes you do get to see a person's true character by what they write in their statuses. I have heard with the internet it has made us communicate less. Well for me it has actually helps me to communicate more. I keep in touch with more people and their lives more than I would if I would not be on it. It has also been great when I have left the country for periods of time and was still able to communicate back home, it sure did help with the home sickness that crept up.

Texting is another new technology I enjoy. Phoning not so much, although I can and do talk on the phone for professional reasons, it’s a lot easier to have a specific reason for a call instead of just going where the conversation takes you. Texting though is great. I am better at expressing myself through typing then talking. I think that might be the introvert in me.

Social settings where I do not know anyone or know anyone very well are the hardest. As an introvert I need down time after certain events, and the above mentioned events with many unknown people are the prevalent ones I need down time after. I just find them socially exhausting. However that being said, I do enjoy my down time as an introvert. I also do find certain events rejuvenating. When I am with people who I know and who know me well, I do not find these exhausting but rather refreshing.

Thankfully there are many advantages to being an introvert and I had to look online to find them. I have been forced to perform in an extroverted world. It forces me to do things I would not ordinary do under preferred circumstances. However doing those things has not changed me to an extrovert nor have extrovert tendencies. I just do those things like I would do a chore. Sometimes you just have to do it regardless if you enjoy it or not. Once the certain task has been performed and I am I able to retreat back I definitely do so.

So introverts out there, just a note of encouragement. It’s okay to be introverted. Don’t feel pressured to have to change. It’s who you are and who God designed you to be. Both introverts and extroverts are needed in this world…now if only we could work together better.

It’s a Safety Concern

Being a woman I know the need to always be on your guard. Whether online or outside, I need to be aware of my surroundings and who could be a potential threat.

I have even had experiences where I was glad I was on my guard. Being yelled at on the street and having someone slowly walk over to me (I assumed this person wanted money and I was not sure their state of mind) where I just quickly walked to work. Another time where I had a fellow (a complete stranger) come to my door and asked to use my washroom. I wisely gave him another alternative.

Those situations were not online.

But we all know online we need to keep our guard up, especially women and underage kids. There are so many people out there who will take advantage of us…or worse.

The thing we have to do is to be wise about it and to train up our kids to be wise as well in those situations. We roll our eyes or shake our heads at those who are not wise in those situations. We may possibly reprimand them or give them solutions of how to proceed with a similar situation in the future. Sadly that has to be the solution as we cannot expect perpetrators to change.

I do recommend the above.

I also do know sometimes (some) guys do not get the whole threat out there. They may be aware of some threats, but others they may think I/we am being overly cautious. I see where they are coming from. In some ways I do believe guys may be a little blinded to the fact as they would never have to experience those situations. However I know there has been a time or two where I bypassed a real need in an effort to be on my guard. For example, I had a cop come into work to give us some self-defence tips. He suggested to never hand anyone money when asked because as soon as you start digging in your purse for change, you are an easy target for someone to take down. I remembered that. So when I was shopping one time and someone asked for a specific $0.35 I reacted with “nope”, not realizing until afterwards it was a boy who needed exact change for a phone call. Yes I was on my guard for safety’s sake, but sometimes I need to be aware of who is actually asking.

So yes I try to be wise by not walking alone at night, walk around situations where I do not feel safe, having strict settings on my social media accounts, only giving out certain information when appropriate and taking advice of other safety tips I have received. However amongst all that I also am striving to be aware of the situations for need too. It does take extra work, but I do not think either situation should be dismissed.

Stay-At-Home Mom

I’ve recently been hearing about stay-at-home Moms and how it seems it is a woman’s ONLY calling to do that. The argument has even gone so far as to say “it’s in the Bible” which does not seem to be the case.

Let me explain by using certain verses in Proverbs 31, a passage of Scripture which is also recommended for women of today to follow.

Vs. 16 – “She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.”

Looks to be in this verse she is buying real estate.

Vs. 24 – “She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.”

She has a business making items and selling them. Now I realize that some folks out there think women should totally be domesticated and make items like this, but the point I am trying to make is that she has a business and she made inventory in order to sell items.

I was told in the Old Testament they actually had businesses in the back of their houses and the whole family had to work in them (including the wife and children).

Now do not get me wrong. I do understand the importance of being there for your children and pouring into them. I believe that is important too. If there are women out there who are specifically called for only this purpose, than that is great and they should do it to the best of their ability. I also believe that your family is your first ministry and the one that should not be neglected.

My point is that most women do have other skills, gifts, talents and abilities than just being stay-at-home Moms. I think it is also important to use those skills in some capacity while raising kids. It does not necessarily have to be working 40 hours a week to use those skills; there are other ways, even very creative ways, to use those skills. Volunteering, starting or helping out in a certain ministry, stepping up on a specific project at a certain time, working part-time or from home with a business, and on and on. There are many ways to use our skills outside of the home.

And there are many ways to use our skills, gifts, talents and abilities within the home as well they just need to be recognized as such.

My Mom was a stay-at-home Mom. It worked for my parents. However the other thing I most remember as I grew up was that my Dad always encouraged my Mom’s growth. He wanted her to be involved with the finances (they both knew what was going on) and she could use them as she saw fit in our household (food, clothing, school supplies, events, etc.) He also encouraged her when she wanted and did take some courses through distance education. He stood by her side and encouraged her when she went on a short-term mission’s trip with me. And now he encourages her as she is volunteering in a position she has always desired to do. That is what has inspired me to realize as a woman, it is okay to have certain skills, gifts, talents and abilities and to use them.

But the other thing that my parents and Proverbs 31 have shown me is…

Vs. 23 - “Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.”

…to marry a man with reputable qualities himself and who will not feel threatened by my skills, gifts, talents and abilities.

Winter Blues

I used to just detest winter. I would have rather been anywhere but here for the nasty winters. I would whine and complain about it as if that would change the weather. Today I’m still not a huge fan but I have learned to appreciate what we do have here instead of looking at what we do not.

The first thing I learned (or at least started to pay attention to) was after reading a specific book and realized with our (cold) winters it kills bugs and we are not as susceptible to certain diseases from these bugs that could kill us (malaria for example). Most times when I have went to a developing country I took malaria pills to ward off malaria. Others in those countries may not be so lucky. People freezing to death here does happen but is rare and usually only in extreme or stupid cases.

We are blessed in that we do not have to worry about wars in our country or rebels attacking us for whatever reason. We do have thieves (and other criminal acts) we need to protect ourselves from, but again it is not as drastic as other countries.

I have not been tortured or killed for my faith. Made fun of, sure. Had awkward moments, of course. But tortured or killed, nope.

Our dress code is pretty flexible. As much as I would like to wear shorts and sandals in the winter, I obviously do not for cases mentioned at the end of paragraph two. I’ve also come to realize that many of the countries that are hot enough year round for that type of dress do not allow it or it is not recommended.

Where I personally live, it has never had the experience of a hurricane, typhoid or tsunami. Again winter has its downfalls, but destroying and wiping out nations is not one of them.

So with the above mentioned, I have learned to count my blessings even in the bitter cold nights of a long winter season. Because really; it could be much worse.

New Year’s Resolutions vs. Goals

I personally do not make New Year Resolutions. Never really have. I think perhaps for me it is mostly the time constraint when we make them, only once a year and at the beginning of the year. I like the flexibility to make these all year long and start and finish accordingly.

Instead I make regular and consistent goals. I remember at one time I had like 5 or 6 goals competing at the same time. That may be a little excessive and is not for everyone, but I do recommend making goals.

I have learned; we all work differently. What works for me, may not work for you. We need to find what motivates us personally and work within that. We need to learn and experiment what works and does not work and once we find what does work run with it. This whole idea of boxing us into the same processes works for some, but it definitely does not work for everyone.

I am a very driven person. Sometimes a little too driven that I can get so focused on the task or goal at hand and forget things that need attention. The thing that has made me more and more driven is achieving my goals. It is exciting and it motivates me to make another goal that is attainable and I can reach. I know some people reward themselves once they do reach a goal and if that is what it takes to motivate you than that is a great idea. I personally have never really rewarded myself for goals attained; just hitting them was reward enough for me.

The thing I have done with my goals is if something got in the way and I had to adjust the deadline, I just move it and keep striving to meet it. The other thing I have done is that sometimes I did not have a set deadline, just a project or task I wanted to complete before such big event happened in my life. I know that may not be recommended by the official “Making Proper Goals” department, but it does work for me and I have attained those goals. I have also realized that in order to complete goals some part of the process to attain it is out of our hands. For example, when you want to buy a house you can make the goal of saving for a down payment (and specifying the exact amount to save), find specific houses to buy, contact banks and mortgage companies to receive a mortgage but the approval of the mortgage is out of your hands and the whole process in general may take longer than expected. That is one reason I believe flexibility is needed. Another reason is for areas in our lives that will take a while to achieve the ultimate goal. Raising kids is a good example of this. I have specific goals in raising my daughter but some of them will not be achieved until she is in adulthood. Also we all know with kids that they may not always work with us in achieving these goals on a consistent, regular basis, but it is the overall process in this area that counts; which is why flexibility is key.

The other thing is I do not do is write them down. I know it is recommended and I know some people may need to do that, but for me it is continually processing in my brain and I am continually finding ways to meet my goal that I do not need to write it down to remember what my goal was.

I have also had minuscule goals and huge goals. It did not matter the size of the goal, just making and reaching them is what mattered.

The important thing is that we make, strive and complete our goals, however way works for us.